Different strokes for different folks.

So true that it takes all kinds to make the world. Each of us has a unique upbringing, a distinct set of experiences in life and education that contribute towards building our characters and making our identities.

I think its is a very challenging exercise to understand another individual, especially a person who comes from what may seem to be a diametrically opposite upbringing to what I have had. I have found it often difficult to understand my sisters' actions and reactions and we only have a decade of age difference between us. As for my parents, I had given up trying.

That is, till I got married and tried to analyze S's actions and reactions. This has now opened up a whole new world to me and made me realize a rather shameful aspect of my personality. I don't have an identity of my own. I don't have an effective opinion on anything. I have not allowed the trains of my thought to go beyond the stations acknowledged and accepted by my parents. I have found it easier to add that extra bit of rationale to an assertive person's argument. Else, I have always felt comfortable just sitting on the fence thinking everyone will forget about me and go on with their lives if I maintain a low profile for just a while longer. I don't even understand myself, forget anyone else.

Today's discussion with S made me think about the above again and was a revelation of sorts; at the same time, it was something I have always known but vehemently refused to acknowledge. I didn't realise how much misery I was causing him because of my lack to accept that there could be a different perspective to things. My sight has, more often than not, been jaundiced by fear and suspicion of his actions. I know now, that I cannot get away with fence-sitting anymore if I really need that peace of mind and happiness for my family and myself.

Some of the significant points from today's discussion were about S's past, the true nature of his recent actions (which I had completely misconstrued), my unwillingness to contemplate living a life away from him even for a few months and the desperate need he has, at the moment, to find that sense of fulfilment in life.

I wish I were mature enough to have read these signs much before it came to today's hysterical set of events. I was too busy being jealous of my 'blissfully' married friends and lamenting the complications I had brought into my life to sit down and truly respect, understand, trust and love the person who truly deserves them and not the shit I have been doling out due to my insecurities.

Will I be able to turn into a new leaf and start life afresh, living each day and learning something at the end of it, making S' life meaningful and magical?? Or will I lose my resolve and slip back into my old habits and consort with the past demons of narrow-mindedness, loneliness, insecurity and fear of change?

Rant about emotions

Why is it that I'm so emotional about things? Especially when it comes to my relationships? There are relationships that I'm very sane in. I know my limits, I respect the other person's and understand the other person perfectly well (sometimes!). Then, there's this relationship which I believe is most important in my life and I just cannot help but be a bundle of emotions in this.

I'm tired of questioning my contribution to it and of trying. Tired of making excuses for the other person which helps me justify why I'm still in this relationship.

If only I were sane enough to be as detached as he is. If only I could stop giving in and rushing to comfort him (when he least needs it).....if only....

Elusive happiness

What is Happiness? I 'wikied' it today and here is what I found there: 'Happiness is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy.'

How many of us are truly happy? It would be so wonderful if each day brought us a new experience, something to learn, something to cherish, with the security of our regular people, regular pillars and anchors around us. I think we would have learnt a lot more and become a lot more advanced technologically or even as a race if we could only have an environment which was conducive to learning. Because I believe that by learning something, by being part of a different experience each day, we look forward to whatever is next. The feeling of accomplishment that we feel when a job is well done is happiness.

Happiness is waking up in the morning with a smile and seeing a reciprocative smile from your partner. Happiness is knowing, that no matter what, there are some things, some people in life who will always stand by you. Happiness is always having a friend to share even the silliest of things with. Happiness is really walking into the sunset with that special someone knowing that every hour of your life is going to filled with the love you share.

For some, happiness is getting that one meal a day which is not a regular occurence. Money does not by itself bring happiness but the lack of money can surely lower the quality of one's life.

Each of us should have a specific idea of the kind of life we want to live and earn according to that. I believe money is often the cause of confusion, unrest, anger and all the negative emotions if the pursuit of money is for the wrong reasons.

I've deviated from the main topic yet again, haven't I? It is true that the mind is like a monkey - jumping from one branch to another. Another perspective is that the mind is like a butterfly, happily flitting from one sweet flower to the next!

A breath of fresh air!

Just got back from an interesting weekend away from home. Went for a movie and packed several extra calories thanks to a junk food binge. Was fun eating 'unhealthy' after such a long time!

He surprised me with a trip to see the countryside up close for the very first time. It was simply breathtaking! The view, the birds, the gurgling brook, chatty ducks, walk in the huge park, the fresh smell of grass, smiling and welcoming strangers, the curious little puppy....every single interaction with nature wove a memory. What completed the experience was a visit to a restaurant named rather enchantingly. And the food was simple and delectable. Fare that is kind to the animals is food for the mind (and heart), indeed!

The place was set in this little street which had such lovely houses and walk that led into the woods. Dark, mysterious and exciting. The second part of the surprise came after we drove by the woods into a fenced area. Stepped into the twilight resplendent with the excited chattering of some unknown insects/animals. It was a bit spooky but also amazingly serene and soothing.

I'm happy to have spent the weekend enjoying the beauty all around instead of sitting home brooding! A whiff of fragrant fresh air :)

Sound of music!

Listening to some wonderful music and just got started on another great book. Books and music really have the power to change a person. There's a right kind of music for every mood.

- Happy - Something with a lot of beats and bass. Get up and shake a leg!
- Sad - Inspirational music. AR Rahman works wonders!
- Emotional - Old Hindi music, western classical
- Over an evening cup of tea - Jagjit Singh and Hariharan
- Over breakfast - Western classical, Opera, french-it-up!
- Contemplative - Instrumental
- Angry - Calm down and listen to some music meant for the Contemplative mood :)

Next post, books for different moods!

Sundrops glistening in the rain!

Today has been an interesting day so far! Maybe because of 'what' is to come this evening!

It's wonderful to wake up with a smile on your face and a song in your heart, to look forward to the experiences the bright, new, unseen day is going to bring!! So what if there's a bit of rain thrown in? A dance in the shower has always known to pep one up! I must confess, whenever I feel really down and out, I pop into the shower and scrub the negative out!

Got quite some work done, tasted some new food and got started on a new book. Saw a movie last night about the friendship between two women of different (radically opposite, in fact) religious beliefs. Feels nice to know that people are making such kind of movies.

I'm on this fitness drive these days, its something we owe our children more than anything else - good, healthy genes.

Mood: Ready to take on the world!

Everlasting love - an oxymoron?

Been very pre-occupied all day today. So many things in life for which I have no answers to. So many things to share but no one who will understand.

Its true, over a period of time, relationships start to fade and become a shadow of what they were at the peak. You take the other person for granted once the novelty wears off.

Wouldn't it be lovely, dear heart, if we had someone in our lives who would really understand and accept us for what we are?? Do we deserve to spend our lives with people who constantly criticize us and everything around while being completely blind to their faults?
If only the passion and the depth of feeling towards another remained constant or deepened? It would save the world from so much hurt.

What is it really that makes someone want to seek satisfaction outside a relationship without trying to communicate with his/her partner? Maybe its just that - 'trying'. Its just too trying for some people to communicate. But don't you owe even that much to someone whose heart dances at the sound of your voice, whose eyes smile at your sight and whose lips shudder everytime she says your name?

Are there happy endings only in Jane Austen's stories? I wish for the strength to be resilient and to be forever hopeful, smile playing on my lips, blinding the rest of the world to what's behind.

I remain an optimist. Giving up on a soulmate is giving up on oneself. Today is just one of those days where I didn't understand God's plans for me.