Different strokes for different folks.

So true that it takes all kinds to make the world. Each of us has a unique upbringing, a distinct set of experiences in life and education that contribute towards building our characters and making our identities.

I think its is a very challenging exercise to understand another individual, especially a person who comes from what may seem to be a diametrically opposite upbringing to what I have had. I have found it often difficult to understand my sisters' actions and reactions and we only have a decade of age difference between us. As for my parents, I had given up trying.

That is, till I got married and tried to analyze S's actions and reactions. This has now opened up a whole new world to me and made me realize a rather shameful aspect of my personality. I don't have an identity of my own. I don't have an effective opinion on anything. I have not allowed the trains of my thought to go beyond the stations acknowledged and accepted by my parents. I have found it easier to add that extra bit of rationale to an assertive person's argument. Else, I have always felt comfortable just sitting on the fence thinking everyone will forget about me and go on with their lives if I maintain a low profile for just a while longer. I don't even understand myself, forget anyone else.

Today's discussion with S made me think about the above again and was a revelation of sorts; at the same time, it was something I have always known but vehemently refused to acknowledge. I didn't realise how much misery I was causing him because of my lack to accept that there could be a different perspective to things. My sight has, more often than not, been jaundiced by fear and suspicion of his actions. I know now, that I cannot get away with fence-sitting anymore if I really need that peace of mind and happiness for my family and myself.

Some of the significant points from today's discussion were about S's past, the true nature of his recent actions (which I had completely misconstrued), my unwillingness to contemplate living a life away from him even for a few months and the desperate need he has, at the moment, to find that sense of fulfilment in life.

I wish I were mature enough to have read these signs much before it came to today's hysterical set of events. I was too busy being jealous of my 'blissfully' married friends and lamenting the complications I had brought into my life to sit down and truly respect, understand, trust and love the person who truly deserves them and not the shit I have been doling out due to my insecurities.

Will I be able to turn into a new leaf and start life afresh, living each day and learning something at the end of it, making S' life meaningful and magical?? Or will I lose my resolve and slip back into my old habits and consort with the past demons of narrow-mindedness, loneliness, insecurity and fear of change?

Rant about emotions

Why is it that I'm so emotional about things? Especially when it comes to my relationships? There are relationships that I'm very sane in. I know my limits, I respect the other person's and understand the other person perfectly well (sometimes!). Then, there's this relationship which I believe is most important in my life and I just cannot help but be a bundle of emotions in this.

I'm tired of questioning my contribution to it and of trying. Tired of making excuses for the other person which helps me justify why I'm still in this relationship.

If only I were sane enough to be as detached as he is. If only I could stop giving in and rushing to comfort him (when he least needs it).....if only....

Elusive happiness

What is Happiness? I 'wikied' it today and here is what I found there: 'Happiness is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy.'

How many of us are truly happy? It would be so wonderful if each day brought us a new experience, something to learn, something to cherish, with the security of our regular people, regular pillars and anchors around us. I think we would have learnt a lot more and become a lot more advanced technologically or even as a race if we could only have an environment which was conducive to learning. Because I believe that by learning something, by being part of a different experience each day, we look forward to whatever is next. The feeling of accomplishment that we feel when a job is well done is happiness.

Happiness is waking up in the morning with a smile and seeing a reciprocative smile from your partner. Happiness is knowing, that no matter what, there are some things, some people in life who will always stand by you. Happiness is always having a friend to share even the silliest of things with. Happiness is really walking into the sunset with that special someone knowing that every hour of your life is going to filled with the love you share.

For some, happiness is getting that one meal a day which is not a regular occurence. Money does not by itself bring happiness but the lack of money can surely lower the quality of one's life.

Each of us should have a specific idea of the kind of life we want to live and earn according to that. I believe money is often the cause of confusion, unrest, anger and all the negative emotions if the pursuit of money is for the wrong reasons.

I've deviated from the main topic yet again, haven't I? It is true that the mind is like a monkey - jumping from one branch to another. Another perspective is that the mind is like a butterfly, happily flitting from one sweet flower to the next!